Love

 

 Love, the subject of this essay, falls within the powerfully significant affiliation ego needs .Fond memories come to mind personally and from  watching movies with all the  passion, joy, conflict, sadness, and losses.  Some of my favorite movies include   Samson and Delilah with Victor Mature and Heddy Lamar;  Spartacus with Kirk  Douglas and  Jean Simmons; From Here To Eternity with Burt Lancaster,Deborah  Kerr,  Montgomery Clift and Donna Reed;  Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton; Greece with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John; Doctor. Zhivago with Omar Sharif and Julie Christie; The Way We Were with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford; Helen of  Troy with Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom and Diane Kruger..These  relationships are  universal with  elements of harmony, cooperation and mutual satisfaction, but also  of struggle and disharmony.  

Musically  a few examples of  “love”  lyrics: 1.  Bonnie Tyler's  "It's a Heartache."  It's a heartache  Nothing but a heartache  Hits you when it's too late  Hits you when you're down   These opening lyrics  implies a deep feeling for someone.  Later on lyrics .  It ain't right with love to share    .  When you feel he doesn't care for you   , it ain't wise to need someone   as much as I depended on you.  In this stanza, the lyrics suggest the ego  needs of a masochistic  dependency  that have been severed, resulting in pain, anxiety, and the loss of security.

2.  John Legend's "All of Me"  in verse 1 .  What would I do without your smart mouth?  Drawing me in you kicked me out  .  You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down   What's going on in that beautiful mind. I'm on your magical mystery ride   And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright .  These lyrics suggest an intense feeling and the ego need of affiliation, which is to please with affection for the object  and masochism dependency. 3.  Engelbert Humperdinck’s last verse  , And I know that my song isn't saying anything new   .  All, but after the Lovin  (after the Lovin)    I'm still in love with you.  Yes, after the Lovin()  After the Lovin I'm still in love with you  Hmm  , After the Lovin I'm still in love with you  .  The ego need of sex  is implied here. 4.In Paul and Linda McCartney's  "Silly Love Song" lyrics  .  Love doesn't come in a minute   .  Sometimes, it doesn't come at all .  I only know that when I 'm in it    .  It isn't silly  .  Love isn't silly   .  Love isn't silly at all( Yeah ,yeah) .  These lyrics suggest that it's difficult to describe love, especially the feelings.  With that being said, the ego need of affiliation related to winning affection of the object is implied. 

5. Verse 1.  In Hopelessly Devoted To You by Olivia Newton John as follows:  Guess mine is not the first heartbroken  My eyes are not the first to cry   .  I'm not the first to know   there's just no getting over you  .  You know, I'm just a fool who is willing   To sit around and wait for you  But baby, can't you see There's nothing else for me to do?  I'm hopelessly devoted to you.  These lyrics suggest unmet ego dependency needs ,symbiotic masochism with the inability for individuation as a result .6. Roy Orbison's "Only The Lonely"   Only the lonely  (dum- dum - dum-dumdy- doo- wah    Know the heartaches I've been through  (ooh--yay-yay- yay-yeah) )    Only the lonely( dum-dum-dum-dumdy- doo wah)  Know  I cry and cry for you( dum -dum--dum- dummy- doo- wah) ..Separation results in loneliness.

The universal, sweet sounding and familiar  stories in love songs generally fall into the following categories 1.  A union representing happiness, pleasure, euphoria- a major ego need fulfilled  2. A breakup of the union representing pain, heartache,  and loneliness.  3.  A sexual union which is another ego needs fulfillment.  4.  Silly, irrational ,unrealistic , misunderstandings ,  fantasy  and illusions 5 . A  symbiotic sadomasochistic union-one possesses ,controls, their " baby," “my,” ” mine,” you belong to me” and as in being hopelessly devoted  which is submissive, unable to be independent 

.However, these lyrics  are emotionally familiar  ,with extremely  wonderful performers and  pleasurable,wish fulfillments , representing a dominant and necessary   ego need of affiliation for survival  with  terrific sounding rhythm , tempo and beat resulting in  motor movement   accompaniment and well being  These stories , with gratification and union ,suggest the  importance of meeting the ego needs of  affiliation ,safety and belonging. Without meeting these needs results in anxiety ,separation, unpleasantness and being alone . Also expressed  is the importance of the sexual  ego need ..

From  fiction, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet illustrate an example of "romantic love."  These two young lovers have this symbolic teen age infatuation  and/or crush . These young individuals " interact," only from a distance .Their “love” is an example of a  wish fulfillment with a tragic ending.  In other words, love is something associated , in the mind, with  a multitude ,repetitively with various illusions, fantasy and a wish fulfillment . These two did not experience a mature love..For survival, man’s ego needs are not  based on fantasy, illusions  and wish fulfillments.

Abelard and Heloise were medieval lovers.  Abelard, a theologian and his pupil,and nun shared a secret marriage, their son and Abelard’s castration.  Abelard was imprisoned and the two exchanged love letters written in Latin during the 12th century.  For a glimpse into the past is a tale of their love and suffering related to the  sadistic separation of their physical union.

In psychology, " love," was omitted from a psychiatric glossary of the American Psychiatric Association.  However,  love in the  Dictionary of Psychology is defined as a typical sentiment involving fondness for, or attachment to, an object, the idea of which is emotionally colored whenever it arises in the mind  ….of invoking  the whole, gamut  of primary emotions, according to the situation in which the object is placed or  represented;  often by psychoanalysts, always, used in the sense of sex -love, or even lust.

When a politician or entertainer  tells the crowd that he loves them, what does he mean?  More than likely, he's referring to what he's experiencing and that experience “feeds” his narcissism.  Yes, he or she  liked that they showed up,supported , clapped,  cheered ,shouted  and paid his bills .

Psychologist Paul Ekman ,in his research across cultures,listed six universal- primary  emotions.  They are happiness,sadness,fear,disgust, anger,and surprise. Note the absence of love .

Briefly, Erich Fromm  in The Art Of Loving   “ Love is not a sentiment, easily indulged in...... in order to love one has to develop total personality and achieve a productive orientation........ satisfaction of individual love can't be attained without the capacity to love one's neighbor..... Without true humility, courage, faith and discipline.... And the capacity to love remains a rare achievement." 

 Fromm went on and described love as a most powerful overcoming of  human separateness, loneliness and  as a fulfillment for the longing for union.  He also wrote that love is active ,not passive. And,it requires the union of oneness and importantly individuation along with  attitudes and behavior resulting in care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge within  a productive character orientation . Fromm also described, brotherly love, motherly love, erotic love, self-love and love of God.

A quote by Marx "Assume" man as man , and his relation to the world as a human one, and you can exchange love only for love...... Every one of your relationships to man and to nature must be a definite expression of your real individual life corresponding to the object of your will. If you love without calling forth love as a loving person  that is ,if your love as such does not produce love, if by means of an expression of life as a loving person you do not make yourself a loved person, then your love is impotent, a misfortune.”

Harry Stack Sullivan wrote about failed interpersonal love relationships and unions as  parataxic   Simply put, humans have a tendency to perceive others based on their own past experiences and unconscious biases, illusions , fantasies and rationalize their bad motivations using excuses of  benevolence, duty or necessity. And, the same dynamics occur with the love object as well. Simply put, the distortions  and so forth are not based on experience with the other  but are  unconscious  projections and not reality based.

It’s not surprising, the word love is overused, and  misused with  its various meanings.  Lyrics in popular  songs are  generally  universal but trite, silly, unrealistic, pertaining to sex as well as with the implications of symbiotic sadomasochism with ownership, domination, loss of self and/or individuation  within  dependency. But, the music , the harmony, rhythm and beat are terrific. However, when someone expresses the words "I love you" they might be meaningless because of  ignorance, from lack of understanding  a wish fulfillment motive and/or an inadequate character.. Further, with a limited amount of psychic energy, love can be derailed by threats from nature as in flooding , fires, earthquakes;;progressive illness , disease and from cultural, economic, social and political norms because of man’s fragileness, anxiety of aloneness and/or his ego's need of affiliation in his  pursuit of survival . Humans have created a  plethora of” love”  stories in religion, songs,poems, novels, and movies for a variety of motives. However, enmity is not predominant in our culture. . .