A few weeks ago, Linda ,Teddy and I went on one of our mourning walks and talked about dependency during aging. After completing our walk, I continued on my morning run. I thought more about our recent conversation, and the concepts of succorance , affiliation,separation, and stranger anxiety surfaced. This essay incorporates those motivational concepts.
Homo sapiens come into this world anxious and dependent . According to Otto Rank, the trauma of birth becomes the prototype for later significant separations and attachments . Rank postulated there was an unconscious desire or wish to return to the bliss of the womb, an attachment Further, It's not uncommon for the repeated pursuit of an illusion for that perfect union, in the wish for eternal happiness. Don Quixote’s behavior illustrates one example as we are unique in ours..
.Anxiety , present at birth ,remains with us throughout our lives. We also remain dependent for survival .Furthermore, there has been research on dependency .Henry Murray brilliantly postulated and suggested that needs are motivational tension systems that can be weak,intense, momentary or enduring. Adding to our understanding of dependency , he defined Succorance : "To have one's needs gratified by a sympathetic aid of an allied object.: To be nursed, supported , sustained, surrounded, protected, loved, advised, guided, indulged, forgiven , consoled. To remain close to a devoted protector. To always have a supporter. And, he defined Affiliation :"To draw near and enjoyably cooperate or reciprocate with an allied other. To please and win the affection of another. To adhere and remain loyal to a friend.” Murray broadened our understanding and importance of dependency behaviors .
With that being said, let's return to the stage of infancy. That newborn, aside from being traumatized and anxious, becomes totally dependent on the mother for the meeting of the physiological and psychological needs for safety, security, warmth etc. Can the baby's physiological requirements be consistently and appropriately met for food and water as well as for the psychological requirements as with regularity of being held ,cuddled etc. ? The demands on the caretaker or mother are enormous and constant. In fact, Erik Erickson in his psychosocial stages of man ,suggested that the ability to develop a sense of trust is necessary for healthy psychological development and that developing a sense of mistrust impairs that development. Of course there are ratios of both that occur. In fact, with severe mistrust, the infant's development becomes compromised. Later on, suspiciousness ,not being able to count on others becomes expressed. With distrust and suspicion, paranoia enters which results in scapegoating behaviors for not being able to take responsibility for one's failures, disappointments, or actions.
Stanley Schechter conducted a number of experiments that studied the motivational relationship of affiliative behavior to anxiety. In one experiment, he divided his subjects into a high anxiety group in which the girls were told they would receive a severe , but not painful or harmful shock. In the other group of female college students, they were told they would receive mild shocks that would feel more like a trickle and would be harmless. Before proceeding ,the anxiety of the girls was measured and then the girls were delayed before the experiment began. They could either wait a long time, alone, in a comfortable room which had books and magazines or be with other girls in a classroom . 20 out of /32 girls in the high anxiety group chose to wait with others compared to 10 of the 30 girls in the low anxiety group. Statistically, the differences were significant . The experiment suggested anxiety leads to affiliative behavior in college women or misery loves company.
Back to infancy, it's clear that infants become very attached to their mother or caretakers. The mother meets the infant's physiological and psychological requirements in order for physical and psychological growth to occur. The infant’s dependence on the mother is paramount. Initially, the infant is unable to distinguish himself from the mother. However, that changes as the infant becomes able to differentiate and become attached to that mother. About 6 to 8 months, the infant begins to develop a schemata or representation of the mothers face. The face becomes familiar , recognizable and positive. Stranger anxiety research has demonstrated the importance and familiarity of the face being primary . Later on, the face remains a powerful ,enduring motivational desire or wish in the search for a Madonna, Helen of Troy, Olivia Newton John or our own type etc. Back to the infant, during research, the mother would leave the room and a newcomer would enter. A different ,unfamiliar face.entered and the infant's response was of distress, anxiety, and crying. Familiarity of” the face” likely becomes our own prototype for future interactions. of safety or insecurity . In other words, when we first see the face of an individual or stranger that often affects or determines our motivational approach or avoidance. Add mistrust when meeting an unfamiliar face, and It results in more fear , dislike and avoidance for many irrational reasons . We either like or dislike a face. In other words, when we are attracted to someone's face, we call that beautiful ,gorgeous etc.. If we are repelled by a face we call that ugly as sin or some other disparaging remark.It’s all about the face- the perception ,or eye , of the beholder.
Real or imagined fear of strangers becomes the norm. For example throughout life, we develop many attitudes that relate to liking and disliking. Our likes and dislikes include preferences for food, clothes, shoes, hairstyles, and so forth. We learn to like or dislike individuals based on skin preference, political and religious beliefs. We even like our favorite teams and dislike and hate our rivalries. We learned early on that communism, socialism, and Russia, were the enemy and dangerous. Political types are excellent communicators , propaganda, for good and bad.
We also have needs that interfere , change with intensity and go against other individuals. Our needs get in the way of satisfying pleasurable relationships.. Needs like aggression, abasement , achievement, autonomy, defendance, dominance and other needs interfere with certain unions. Remember both individuals have psychological needs that may be similar or dissimilar. In fact, depending upon that early history ,one can have many psychological deficits and attempt to compensate ,not take responsibility for their failures by blaming and scapegoating others. When that happens ,it's not too surprising that love becomes hate and emerges with anxiety.
At about a year, Infants enter another phase or prototype called separation anxiety. John Bowlby, hypothesized that the goal of an infant’s attachment behaviors are to keep him close to his mother. If that attachment becomes physically distant from the parent, the infant child experiences fear or distress. Thus at about twelve months of age, the infant becomes anxious when physically separated from the parent or primary caretaker. The significant emotional attachment becomes severed by the withdrawal. Certainly, the mother has to leave the baby with food preparation, cleaning the house, going to work, caring for other siblings, and so forth. So it's common for the baby to express his distress or anxiety by crying when mother leaves his presence or separation anxiety.
Aside from the motivational needs for affiliation, and succurance , Homo sapiens have other needs that can be met with others such as play, sex,understanding, nurturance etc. on the positive side . On the negative side, the needs of defendance, dominance ,aggression etc. also come into play. Therefore, one individual cannot possibly meet all of man's changing preferences ,intensities ,goals and needs . Just ponder the many interactions with the variety of friends and associates. Specifically, think first of family members; neighborhood folks; school chums; girlfriends;boyfriends; teammates; school and college buddies; work friends and so forth. Further, think of all the encounters with health providers ,attending concerts , stage plays, football games , social media,and so forth. During our lifetime, we encounter and interact with so many expecting to meet our many psychological needs..We have successes and failures as a result of good and poor choices. Even so, the succorance and affiliative needs remain primary are necessary for healthy survival.
With some, like lovers, spouses, deep friendships, and animals, we develop strong emotional bonds, connections and goals . Throughout one's life, there are many unions,separations and losses. With aging, anxiety increases, succorance increases and separations and losses increase as well. Our contacts diminish and our succorance needs become a challenge within a world of strangers . As a result, we experience, in our own way, separation anxiety, grief, and sometimes depression on a regular basis.. Just think of the hardship felt when one has to put down their animal or pet. The separation and pain from those losses are very stressful. Yet ,we continue to develop strong emotional bonds and know that they all come to an end. In fact, some couples stay together to avoid that separation anxiety from being alone and die shortly after their spouse. Some children remain with their parents into adulthood. After military service, some join law enforcement, some joint hate groups ,some return physically and/ or psychologically damaged and others commit suicide.Teamsters statistically pass 3 years after retirement. Many go to great lengths to avoid retirement as well. Loneliness is scary and is considered an epidemic in Great Britain .No one likes to experience the anxiety from a separation, loss or death.
A few lyrics from "Alone Again(Naturally) Left unattended . What do we do , What do we do ,Alone again, naturally Looking back over the years And whatever else appears I remember, I cried when my father died Never wishing to hide the tears And at 65 years old My mother, God rest her soul Couldn't understand why the only man She had ever loved had been taken Leaving her to start With a heart so badly broken Despite encouragement from me No words were ever And when she passed away I cried and cried all day Alone again, naturally , Alone again, naturally. These lyrics suggest despair and correspond to Erickson's last stage of the lifespan. On the other hand, aging highlights difficulties in meeting our needs because we have to confront and experience our most painful losses.
In essence, we are anxious and are uniquely motivated with a priority of different goals and needs to interact with others . The dynamics of stranger and separation anxiety coupled with our enduring motivational needs for succorance , affiliation and other needs are affected by various barriers pertaining to physiological and psychological health as well as environmental factors. Thus, our succorance needs are not only enduring but become more intense and our preference rather than our needs for play and sex which are weakened because of the additional separations, losses , attachments , biological and environmental changes occurring. We pursue many activities in an attempt to mitigate being alone, and/or being separate .Thus , we have tendencies that move toward as in loving and against as in aggression . Our statistics with marriage , spousal abuse, divorce, sadism and murder demonstrate the difficulties between and among human beings. And anxiety, succorance,, affiliation, stranger and separation anxiety formulates various motivational goals seeking distinctive directions for Homo sapiens. Everything flows, and nothing abides, everything gives way, and nothing stays fixed, said Heraclitus.
Reference
Murray, Henry .Explorations in Personality.
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