Jeff' Windeshausen’s passing ,coupled with an article titled, "Can't Stop Loving Her? Maybe You Should Try Harder`` was found in the April 24, 2022 edition of The New York Times triggered my response. I'm also incorporating friendships from" It Has Nothing to Do with Age” in this discussion and comment on unions .
Within the life cycle, we repeatedly experience anxiety, attachment, loss, grief and/or depression that becomes associated with disruption of dependency. With death, the physical loss is permanent,except psychologically- memories.Friends that have enriched my life, yet too many have passed. But memories from both my book and from the TV videos bring a smile. Thank you all.
Tony confessed that both of his ride and tie partners died-Jeff and Tom Christofk. It wasTony and Tom that induced me to the Tevis and Western States trail. I also had two ride and tie partners that died-Bob Edwards and Jonathan Jordan. I have devoted an entire chapter with Jonathan when we came in first in the 100 Mile Swanton Pacific Ride and Tie in Chapter 12. Bud John's was significant because he invented the sport. And Jim Steere, Chapter 7 DMV: Renaissance Man and Athlete Extraordinaire was associated with the very first ride and tie. Also, Jim was involved with the origins of the Tevis endurance ride as was Fred Jones in Chapter 6 The History of the Tevis . Wendell provided Fred with the horse for him to earn his buckle. During my Tevis,Warren Hellman and I rode together for most of the ride. This man was said to have more money than God,although you would not know it by looking at the way he dressed. Mark Richtman came in third in the 2002 Western States run and I was an age division in that race.
I was fortunate enough to meet Jack Sholl and I called Chapter 14 Patriot, Rower, Gentlemen, Unparallelled. I spent time with Jack and his wife Joan both in Northern and Southern California . Their stories go back to Grace Kelly and the Kelly family. You all were fun. I miss you dearly..
The New York Times article gave examples of moving on after divorce, such as: 1. Thinking negative thoughts about the person that you're trying to fall out of love with 2. Think of things that make you happy other than the person you're trying to fall out of love with 3. Imagine your husband covered in vomit and holding dead kittens. 4. Reframe the notion of falling out of love. If falling out of love, know that you are still amazing, powerful, fierce, loving who will continue to grow, love and thrive.These suggestions were based on the administration of MRIs focusing on VTA activation in brain functioning. It was stated that attachment and physical pain, not emotion were variables and drive was a major factor regarding love and loss.
Statistically,divorce is prominent in our culture . Briefly, it was not uncommon to hear patients say they've fallen out of love and/or they are no longer compatible, especially with kids, as when they separated and left home.Marriage is complicated .Religion, called man sinful; Mark Twain said man was partially insane; and Freud said man can become neurotic. Let's start out with a few givens: 1. Man begins life with anxiety, dependence, attachment, separation, ambivalence and sadomasochistic tendencies. 2. Mother or the caretaker has a tremendous challenge in providing for all the needs. Mother provides warmth, care, tenderness, rejections, prohibitions, threats and punishment 3. Can trust be established or is there a stronger tendency for developing mistrust? 3. Man has many needs that include passion, possession ,prestige, power, exhibition, play,achievement, competition, succorance, sexual and affiliation 4. Often, childhood experiences are met with conflict, anxiety, frustration , aggression and are related to competition ,rivalry and disappointments that also become activated during life 5. Man has difficulty with loneliness and seeks affiliation 6. Couples seek union for a variety of reasons and have illusions like finding happiness as Cinderella "Live happily ever after." 7. Marriage vows are an expectation of lifelong companionship, fidelity and sexual cooperation . 8. George Gershwin’s song. Our love is here to stay" is not always true because, in part, -ambivalence 9. Jeff and Mackenzie, after their divorce, McKenzie married a science teacher and then began giving away millions. Bill and Melinda, after their divorce, continued working together giving away their wealth. When Fareed asked Bill about his divorce , he seemed dumbfounded and was unable to come up with an intelligent response as to the why. 10. Separation and loss are inevitable. It's healthier to move on than to remain a victim.
A few points regarding why a breakup of the union: 1. Everyone brings to the relationship a history of unresolved issues. Likely, this is not the first time that a relationship has gone sour, and is likely not the last time unless the individual has some self understanding of his own dynamics. The relationship did not start out with hate even though it may exist now. Was the initial attraction based on some fantasy that turned into an ugly reality? It's important to accept responsibility for that initial reality. Did the transformer use magic? Why was reality distorted ? What factors led to the dislike of a partner? Take responsibility for the original choice since if that person is all evil, then it might be just the self fulfilling prophecy on your part, which also suggests the abasement need- to hurt self.
2. All relationships have ambivalence. So to reframe and imagine someone that's all evil sounds ridiculous to me. By all means, there had to be something good about the person and the relationship. Search back and find and identify the positive or positives, otherwise it makes you look pretty stupid if there weren't any. The memories good and bad are reality and part of your experience. To create some reframing fiction perpetuates the defense mechanism of denial, rationalization, etc. When I ran Western States, I reframed "put one step in front of the other." I didn't have to say going forward. Reframing should be based on truth and reality .
3. Often, individuals may jump into another relationship quickly; use drugs and alcohol; become a workaholic; talk with another for reinforcement for their woe.They are attempts to leave the psychological field in some other way. Repetition compulsion means that one makes the same mistake over and over again. Einstein said something to the effect of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity. Another alternative, is to examine oneself as in “to know thyself “in order to reduce mistakes Oh yeah, insurance says, take a pill and will pay for five therapy sessions.
Furthermore, if mortal, the impetus to connect and attach with another has many variables and might also have to do with avoiding loneliness at all costs- that’s why in part we are called social animals.How realistic is fidelity for many? Ask Bill , Hillary, Monica; Donald,Melania, Stormy; Arnold, Maria,Mildred; Meg,Dennis ,Russel;Frank,Nancy ,Ava;Brad,Jennifer ,Angelina and Eddie, Debbie and Elizabeth to name a few.
Relationships vary in degree, length ,intensity as well as importance. The breakup of relationships can be and does vary among individuals. Not all divorces are the same or experienced the same way. It's important to deal with the reality of the psychological situation. Individuals vary as to when they are ready to emotionally commit, leave or separate.
In summary, all relationships are terminal. All relationships have ambivalence. Social animals don't like to be alone. Humans have a great capacity for thinking, emotion and memory. When there's an impairment in thinking, emotion or memory that individual becomes compromised. Utilize thinking, emotion and memory, along with truth and reality.It’s not surprising why there is a selection of so many unsuitable marital partners. Man’s imperfections are a good place to begin Follow the words of Plato "For once touched by love, everyone becomes a poet ; Heraclitus said, "Of all the means which wisdom acquires to ensure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is friendship; Socrates "Neither family, nor privilege, nor wealth, nor anything but love can light that beacon which a man must steer by when he sets out to live a better life."They are wonderful words .
References
Horney, Karen. Feminine Psychology.
Murray, H. A. Explorations in Personality
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