Abandonment

Running past two horses in their separated pipe corral stalls, got me thinking. These horses are separated for a reason. As a rule, one horse, even though it’s a buddy, is sometimes called the alpha horse because of its domination. The domination might be in some form of play, feeding on available alfalfa or even drinking water. We humans generally are not separated by pipe corrals. The theme of this essay relates to abandonment within interpersonal relationships and/ or significant unions.

It is common knowledge that we start out life, on earth, totally dependent, fragile, anxious, and insecure or a helpless suckling. We rely on our caretaker or caretakers for our survival in meeting our physiological needs and requirements.  If all goes well, reasonably speaking, the infant develops some form of a cognitive and emotional sense of trust based on aspects of the care taker’s regularity, continuity and timing with the feeding, diapering, warmth and emotional holding contact process. Roughly, within the first six months or so, if that sense of trust has been developed, the infant cries and/or becomes disturbed when that caretaker leaves its view. That disturbance has been labeled separation anxiety. I could add and reframe it abandonment. Again, when the caretaker leaves the house to go to work or on an errand; or go into another room at bedtime, that infant might react with separation anxiety or abandonment fears. Parents, at times, attempt to resolve the infant’s fussing by bringing its crib into their room or even by bringing the infant to their bed. Of course, these feeble attempts by parents or anyone else, does not in any way resolve the initial dependency, anxiety or abandonment crisis state of being. This devastating emotional truth remains consciously or unconsciously with us during our lifetime. That original dependency separation-abandonment anxiety crisis never gets completely resolved but can only become “medicated.”

Further, lifelong separation- abandonment reenactments occur. A mother’s leaving as a result of occupation or career happens at least five days a week along with weekly errands. The birth of a sibling is another anxiety reenactment that has been called sibling rivalry-competition for love. I could reframe it abandonment as the initially favored firstborn has now been displaced with so much attention going to the newborn. Going from first to second place is not positive in any way. Don’t forget when the infant, ages 2 to 5 attends daycare, preschool or kindergarten there’s another separation from that important caretaker as dependency, anxiety, abandonment needs again become activated. What can make things even worse for the infant, child or adolescent is a divorce. Even though the parent that leaves says “I love you but I don’t love your mother anymore” or “your daddy’s still your father” can easily be translated that love is fragile or tenuous and can’t be counted on to last forever. That is the real message conveyed. Love is not guaranteed to last a lifetime.  That leaving by the parent also gets unconsciously translated by the child “he’s leaving because of me.” Do not forget the accompanying guilt as well. Over and over throughout one’s lifetime the individual experiences, like being imprinted,  this abandonment by initially experiencing an emotional dependency on any number of important individuals or more importantly a “loss of love” by nannies, housekeepers, school and work friends.  Relationships come and go. People die; develop Alzheimer’s; pursue employment; have disagreements, move away etc. The number of losses –separations in a lifetime is incalculable. It’ an awful degree of hurt, mistrust of “love,” and grief.

Now let’s proceed to the union between two individuals. That initial attraction between individuals can be unbelievably strong like two attracting magnets. All reason seems to go by the wayside as if unimportant. Some other individual may present a negative and that negative gets easily dismissed. The motivation is to be with the other. One’s thinking is about the other. One’s behavior becomes irrational as well. Lust or genital love dominates. The outside world diminishes in importance. It’s as if this involvement becomes a form of a “medication” that will solve all the ills of the self as well as the world. One explanation for this “falling in love” is because of a neurotransmitter called phenyl ethylamine or PEA. PEA has been called the real cause that facilitates individuals to fall madly in love with another. Unfortunately, the chemical effects of PEA diminish over 3-5 year time period. Other physical attractions like men with broad shoulders, thin waist, large muscles, being  financially secure and women with large breasts, trim waist, good figure with Helen of Troy beauty are other important variables for magnetic like  attractions.

Don’t forget that each individual brings unresolved dependency, separation anxiety, abandonment, and loss of love anxiety to each relationship. There may be other issues that surface such as trouble with femininity, premenstrual tension, distrust of males, the overvaluation of love, the neurotic need for love etc. For the male individual there may be issues like Oedipal, sadomasochism, power, control, fearful of strong women etc. that surface. Other potential conflicts can surface regarding rearing and disciplining of children, money, religious, political, help at home, time away from family, and other perceived loyalties .These conflicts often happen later and get in the way and interfere with the primary union.  Many, of these later conflicts can be traced back to the original formation of the insecurities of dependency, separation anxiety, abandonment and loss of love. Remember, it’s all about perception of the beholder. It’s not a surprise why long term unions are difficult. Further and unfortunately, the three little words “I love you” are often used to “medicate”. And the initial illusion “ It’s going to be different with me”  changes to … ?Furthermore, whether its marital vows or music “Till death do us part,” and “Don’t Let Your Love Fade Away” sums it up regarding our mortality and the losses through fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment anxiety, often get expressed in the question “Do you still love me?” This is our reality- we are limited and have a history based on our own psychical constitution.

PS

Tony’s building a second home on Whidbey Island.